


With Time Comes Regret

by magos186



Series: The Magicians episode tag one-shots [1]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03e05 A Life in the Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 12:31:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20174317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magos186/pseuds/magos186
Summary: Years have passed since Quentin and Eliot first began the mosaic quest. They've grown, matured. On the night of Quentin's wedding to Arielle, Eliot sits under the stars reflecting on all the things that have happened and the things he regrets the most.





	With Time Comes Regret

_Dearest Fen,_

_ I know that you’ll never get a chance to read this and that I’m writing it for my own benefit. I want to start this by saying I’m sorry. When we first met, I didn’t care if we married, even though I’m gay because I came to Fillory to die. I was in such a dark place that I wanted The Beast to kill me. But I survived our first attempt to take him out and then I was stuck here alone. I was cut off from everyone and everything I knew, cut off from the drugs and alcohol that were the only things that kept me going every day. When I went through withdrawal, you took such good care of me. I came to respect you then. _

_I apologize for how I acted when I found out you were a F.U. Fighter. It was naïve of me to think you were just sitting around at home waiting for an Earthling to show up and become king. I might have reacted differently if I found out at a different time, not when I was confronted with some of my worst memories. My father truly was a bastard. He hated me and treated me like I was garbage, beating me when I got in his way, or when I didn’t do what he wanted fast enough, or when he was drunk…or basically any time he felt like it. Farming became torture for me. So I went a little crazy when I was forced to relive it to help the people. _

_I’d also like to apologize for how I acted when I found out you were pregnant. I know you were hurt. You were so excited and I was terrified. See the above mention of my father as to why. I never let myself want kids because of how I was treated. And let’s face it, I was afraid I’d fuck it up. I’d watch you sleep sometimes though. I tried to picture what it’d be like to hold the baby, who she’d look like. I wondered if she’d inherit my dark curls or your eyes. No matter what I knew she’d be beautiful. Watching Q with Teddy, it made me realize that all first time parents are kind of terrified. You’re suddenly responsible for this little life. All you can do is try to be patient and kind and just love them. You need to leave your own expectations behind and let them be the person they want to be, the person they’re meant to be._

_Being here in the past, so far removed from all the issues and drama and assassination attempts, I’ve found a peace within myself. I’ve finally dealt with all my issues and I’ve healed, more than I thought possible. It made me realize how selfish I was, how horrible I was to you. You deserved so much better than me. If Q and I never make it back, I hope you can move on and find love with someone who treats you like the amazing woman you are. Because you are amazing Fen and I’ll never forgive myself for making you feel otherwise. _

_All my love,_

_Eliot _


End file.
